Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

February 22, 2018 KNOXVILLE, TN- Newly Facebook-official couple, Tyler Johnson, 19, and Sarah Miller, 18, decided to put away their pride and finally say how they feel about each other after only several group ‘Wing Wednesday’ outings and one night spent shouting at each other over the music at Uptown. “I think the timing just felt right, what with it being Boxing Weekend and all,” … Continue reading Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

Top Ice Cube Tray Relegated To Bottom Of Stack

  Earlier tonight, the top ice cube tray in an area man’s freezer was relegated to the bottom of the stack of two ice cube trays. Sources say the tray had been at the top of the stack for four days, but was moved to the bottom when it began exhibiting difficulty in performing its task. “The ice cubes starting sticking to the tray. I … Continue reading Top Ice Cube Tray Relegated To Bottom Of Stack

Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Scratching his head as the glinting light of comprehension left his eyes, a middle-aged news correspondent appeared to be thrown way off-course by the word ‘Wikileaks’ earlier today. In the middle of a sit-down with MSNBC anchor Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent Doc Vandry, 64, was stumped for several minutes after Todd asked him about the potential implications of the Wikileaks scandal for Hillary Clinton’s … Continue reading Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Providing him with step-by-step instructions on how to turn on his computer and open his internet browser, a dozen aides from the Bernie Sanders campaign are still attempting to help their boss access leaked emails belonging to members of the Democratic National Committee, sources confirm. Though the emails—collected and released by nonprofit journalistic organization Wikileaks—made their way onto the internet earlier this week, reports say … Continue reading Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Carefully delivering the news to a throng of disappointed, fanatic delegates, RNC officials announced Wednesday that the Rapture would not be taking place on Wednesday night, as previously planned, but would be moved to Thursday instead. The Rapture was originally intended to close the Day Three festivities at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, with “God Himself descending through the stadium roof and hand-picking … Continue reading Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Melania Trump Fights Plagiarism Backlash with ‘Let’s Move!’ Initiative

In an attempt to counteract public outcry after plagiarizing part of her speech on Day One of the Republican National Convention, former model and candidate for First Lady of the United States Melania Trump announced earlier today that she would be launching “Let’s Move!,” an initiative which aims to “eliminate childhood obesity within a generation.” On Monday night, the Slovene-American mother and wife of disheveled … Continue reading Melania Trump Fights Plagiarism Backlash with ‘Let’s Move!’ Initiative

Report: Pizza Box Won’t Fit In Garbage Bag

Just after midnight on Thursday night, senior Fort resident J.R. Scott announced that he and his colleagues were unable to fit an empty pizza box into the garbage bag. A fifteen-page document released earlier tonight states that Scott and his roommates had attempted to fit a delivery box from Brenz Pizza Co., once containing a 16” Loaded Pep & Cheese pizza, into a nearby trash bag, yet were unable to complete … Continue reading Report: Pizza Box Won’t Fit In Garbage Bag