Tall Tales of Haslam: The Appointment

Gravel   Haslam College of Business: A shrine to capitalism and a glowing example of the power rested in the invisible hand. But within these economically sacred walls lies a secret. Whispered tales of horror, shrouded in shadow. Phenomenons known only to those who have had the misfortune to meet what lies beneath us all. Evil.   Sophomore finance major Ryan Myer recently joined business … Continue reading Tall Tales of Haslam: The Appointment

One-Hit Wonder Asher Roth Creates Sequel to Beloved Song

Everyone remembers the first time they heard Asher Roth’s beloved anthem “I Love College”. In one single track, Asher Roth simultaneously summarized and defined the essence of our college years: beer, drugs, and a strong enforcement of rape culture. Originally released in 2009, Roth’s testimony to his collegiate years is catchy and casual; when you and your fraternity brothers chant, “When it comes to condoms, … Continue reading One-Hit Wonder Asher Roth Creates Sequel to Beloved Song

Girl Gives Up Water for Lent

  April 1, 2018   “I wanted something of a challenge this year,” says local medical anomaly, Miranda Duren. After surviving a 40 day stretch without water and baffling health experts everywhere, Duren recounts her tale as she lounges by the pool, a tall glass of ice water in hand. “Sure, I could have given up chocolate or coffee, or maybe just resolved to go … Continue reading Girl Gives Up Water for Lent

Fraternity Brother Tempted to Attend Sex Week Seminar, Unsure if That Makes Him Gay or Not

Local fraternity brother Benton Baldwin, KA ’19, is deeply conflicted about attending a Sex Week seminar entitled: ‘Butt Stuff 2.0: The Pegging’. “Ok, well obviously, I’m not into dudes. I’d like to make that, like, really clear. But look, chicks dig adventurous dudes, and I think it’s safe to say this is pretty adventurous,” Baldwin explained in his official statement. “Plus, I get extra credit … Continue reading Fraternity Brother Tempted to Attend Sex Week Seminar, Unsure if That Makes Him Gay or Not

A Purchase You Won’t RegrYeti

Opinion Piece February 22, 2018 The wheel, the printing press, the cotton gin, and the lightbulb: all inventions that changed the course of human existence and shaped the reality that we live in today. But despite these comforts that have served as a foundation of progress, there still seemed to be a void. An opportunity lost, an idea damned to be an apparition leaving the … Continue reading A Purchase You Won’t RegrYeti

Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

February 22, 2018 KNOXVILLE, TN- Newly Facebook-official couple, Tyler Johnson, 19, and Sarah Miller, 18, decided to put away their pride and finally say how they feel about each other after only several group ‘Wing Wednesday’ outings and one night spent shouting at each other over the music at Uptown. “I think the timing just felt right, what with it being Boxing Weekend and all,” … Continue reading Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

Trump to Host The Apprentice Special Episode to Choose VP

Upon arriving for whatever press conference he heard about in passing, Trump was asked to discuss his intentions for choosing a Vice President. With the most passionate dead-eyes he could muster, Trump quietly informed our correspondents that he was planning to host a special episode of his “massively popular” TV series, The Apprentice, to select his running mate. “One of the key problems of today … Continue reading Trump to Host The Apprentice Special Episode to Choose VP