Report: Pizza Box Won’t Fit In Garbage Bag

Just after midnight on Thursday night, senior Fort resident J.R. Scott announced that he and his colleagues were unable to fit an empty pizza box into the garbage bag. A fifteen-page document released earlier tonight states that Scott and his roommates had attempted to fit a delivery box from Brenz Pizza Co., once containing a 16” Loaded Pep & Cheese pizza, into a nearby trash bag, yet were unable to complete … Continue reading Report: Pizza Box Won’t Fit In Garbage Bag

BREAKING: Oven Not Left On, Nation’s Top Stoners Report

In a breaking report, the nation’s leading marijuana enthusiasts have confirmed that the oven was not left on. Sources say leaders from the Department of American Narcotics and Kush convened an emergency meeting tonight after one of its members suspected the oven had not been turned off following the removal of two supreme pizzas and a tray of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. “I was almost positive … Continue reading BREAKING: Oven Not Left On, Nation’s Top Stoners Report

Uranus Temporarily Renamed “Blue Ball” in Honor of Testicular Cancer Research Month

NASA recently teamed up with the American Cancer Society (ACS) this month to honor men affected by testicular cancer. While testicular cancer month is in April, they decided to give these men some more time in the spotlight. NASA is giving them the honor of having Uranus renamed Blue Ball. President of the ACS , Tiffany Green, said “We think it’s a great idea to … Continue reading Uranus Temporarily Renamed “Blue Ball” in Honor of Testicular Cancer Research Month

Astrology Enthusiasts Beef Up Their Bylaws to Be Considered a Real Religion

In this week’s news, high-ranking Astrologists have finally had enough of the ridicule and condescending laughs from even the least intelligent members of modern society. Tired of being called “totally fake,” “ineffective,” or “entertaining at most,” Astrologists have started to beef up their bylaws regarding behavior, aggression, evangelism, and how the typical astrologist is supposed to carry themselves throughout the day. The High Diviner Orneron … Continue reading Astrology Enthusiasts Beef Up Their Bylaws to Be Considered a Real Religion

Bill Nye Inspires Student to Care About Science for Two Hours

On the evening of October 29th, thousands of UT students and Knoxvillians gathered in Thompson-Boling Arena to witness science-educator and angry atheist Bill Nye discuss climate change and the role of science in our society. After a grueling hour-long lecture about his Oedipus complex, his desire to bring back the sundial, and his involvement with some robot that crawls around Mars, Nye delivered an inspiring … Continue reading Bill Nye Inspires Student to Care About Science for Two Hours

PocketPoints App to Offer Users Extra Points For Simply Throwing Phone in Garbage

PocketPoints is a mobile application, created in 2014, that seeks to rehabilitate college students. The application works by rewarding students with virtual “points” by having them lock their phones during class. The app has found viral success over the past year, spreading across hundreds of college campuses across the United States. Still discontent with its current success, PocketPoints Inc. has announced a new initiative offering … Continue reading PocketPoints App to Offer Users Extra Points For Simply Throwing Phone in Garbage

Creationists Deny that Bill Nye Spoke at UT on Thursday

On Thursday, thousands of people flocked to Thompson-Boling Arena to hear Bill Nye lecture. He covered topics such as space exploration and climate change while also giving a whimsical, albeit kind of strange, autobiography. Or did he? According to many creationists, who typically offer only the most factual and informed opinions, the answer is no. “Bill Nye the Science Lie,” as he is affectionately called … Continue reading Creationists Deny that Bill Nye Spoke at UT on Thursday