Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Scratching his head as the glinting light of comprehension left his eyes, a middle-aged news correspondent appeared to be thrown way off-course by the word ‘Wikileaks’ earlier today. In the middle of a sit-down with MSNBC anchor Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent Doc Vandry, 64, was stumped for several minutes after Todd asked him about the potential implications of the Wikileaks scandal for Hillary Clinton’s … Continue reading Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Providing him with step-by-step instructions on how to turn on his computer and open his internet browser, a dozen aides from the Bernie Sanders campaign are still attempting to help their boss access leaked emails belonging to members of the Democratic National Committee, sources confirm. Though the emails—collected and released by nonprofit journalistic organization Wikileaks—made their way onto the internet earlier this week, reports say … Continue reading Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Carefully delivering the news to a throng of disappointed, fanatic delegates, RNC officials announced Wednesday that the Rapture would not be taking place on Wednesday night, as previously planned, but would be moved to Thursday instead. The Rapture was originally intended to close the Day Three festivities at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, with “God Himself descending through the stadium roof and hand-picking … Continue reading Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Melania Trump Fights Plagiarism Backlash with ‘Let’s Move!’ Initiative

In an attempt to counteract public outcry after plagiarizing part of her speech on Day One of the Republican National Convention, former model and candidate for First Lady of the United States Melania Trump announced earlier today that she would be launching “Let’s Move!,” an initiative which aims to “eliminate childhood obesity within a generation.” On Monday night, the Slovene-American mother and wife of disheveled … Continue reading Melania Trump Fights Plagiarism Backlash with ‘Let’s Move!’ Initiative

Haslam Strips Pride Center Resources To Fund Weird Animal-Costume Sex Party In Middle of Woods

In a breaking news report, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced Friday morning that he has stripped resources from the University of Tennessee Pride Center in order to fund a sex party in the middle of the woods, complete with novelty sex toys and all kinds of animal costumes. On Friday afternoon sources confirmed that Governor Haslam had enacted a state law which will defund the Office … Continue reading Haslam Strips Pride Center Resources To Fund Weird Animal-Costume Sex Party In Middle of Woods

Son Of A Bitch Who Stole My Girlfriend Endorses Bernie Sanders

Following the Vermont Senator’s narrow victory over Hillary Clinton in the Indiana primary, the son of a bitch who stole my girlfriend has officially endorsed Bernie Sanders as his choice for President of the United States. University of Tennessee sophomore Devin O’Bannon, 20, announced Wednesday night that he has decided to throw his full support behind the Presidential hopeful—a commitment second in importance only to … Continue reading Son Of A Bitch Who Stole My Girlfriend Endorses Bernie Sanders

Donald Trump: Literally Doing Our Job For Us

Presidential candidate and well-known purveyor of failed steak and vodka lines, Donald Trump, has certainly had an interesting bid for office so far. From calling for a literal wall to enforce our border with Mexico, to actively promoting violence at his rallies, to threatening another candidate’s wife with blackmail, it’s very clear that Mr. Trump could not be any more of a well-adjusted individual. His … Continue reading Donald Trump: Literally Doing Our Job For Us