Opinion Piece February 22, 2018 The wheel, the printing press, the cotton gin, and the lightbulb: all inventions that changed the course of human existence and shaped the reality that we live in today. But despite these comforts that have served as a foundation of progress, there still seemed to be a void. An opportunity lost, an idea damned to be an apparition leaving the … Continue reading A Purchase You Won’t RegrYeti
By Doyle Martin By now I’m sure everyone has caught wind of the prop scandal surrounding The Hateful Eight, but for those of you that haven’t: the Martin Museum of Art lent an antique six-string guitar to Quentin Tarantino for the filming of his definitive ensemble western—a guitar that was promptly smashed to pieces by Kurt Russel on-screen. Sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? It gets … Continue reading My Father Was The 145 Year-Old Guitar Kurt Russel Smashed In ‘The Hateful Eight’ And I Don’t Plan On Forgiving Him Anytime Soon
by Anonymous Well, the 2016 Nobel Peace Prize nominees are in, and oh boy, let me tell you: they’re a mess. Pope Francis got nominated. Jeez, what a joke! Some doctor made the list. Big deal. People from foreign countries… Who cares? Oh, and Edward Snowden. Are you kidding? He’s a coward. He’s afraid. Me? I’d never be afraid. Not a bit. You know who … Continue reading Yes, I’m The One Who Nominated Donald Trump For The Nobel Peace Prize
by Kevin Schwab Oh boy, this is embarrassing. After his tragic death earlier this month, eccentric pop icon and presumed extraterrestrial David Bowie was cremated in New Jersey. In accordance with his will, the practicing Buddhist’s ashes were to be scattered in Bali. However, that’s going to prove challenging now, because… well, there’s no easy way to say this: I accidentally left David Bowie’s ashes … Continue reading David Bowie Wanted His Ashes Scattered In Bali, But I Accidentally Left Them In A Whole Foods
The innocence of youth can often lend itself to moments of profound wisdom. After all, it has been well-documented that kids say the darnedest things. However, in some cases the exact opposite proves to be true: sometimes, the planets align themselves in such a manner as to inspire a child to say the most remarkably, unfathomably dumb thing he or she can muster. The parents … Continue reading World’s Dumbest Child? This Two-Year-Old Doesn’t Even Know What Horses Sound Like
After enjoying a year and a half with a unique group of incredibly talented, creative, and caring people, one train passenger needs to make a change. In order to get off at the proper time, the train rider must leave his fruit-themed cab and focus on getting everything together before his final departure. He first stepped onto the locomotive in the fall of 2014. In … Continue reading Occupant Moves to New Part of Train after Enjoyable Time in Fruit-Themed Cab
By Mitchell Ainsley Last Friday night I hopped online to see if the Donald J. Trump Facebook page had posted any share-worthy material. Imagine my surprise when I see hundreds of my friends showing heartfelt support for victims of the massive terrorist attack in Paris—prayers, artwork, impassioned speeches imploring world leaders to find peaceful solutions to their problems. That’s all I know, though, because I … Continue reading Opinion: Remembrance of the victims in Paris is distracting people from the fact that I’m an insufferable asshole.