Report: Guy Carrying Around Gallon of Water is Just Insanely Hydrated

Fletcher Crane March 30, 2018 This past Thursday afternoon, in the 15-minute gap between the 11:10 and 12:40 classes, a witness called the Tangerine’s anonymous tip hotline with a piece of information that changed everything.   “5’11”, maybe about 170 pounds, with muscle”, the witness shakily disclosed. “This man is carrying around what seems to be a milk gallon filled with water instead of milk.” … Continue reading Report: Guy Carrying Around Gallon of Water is Just Insanely Hydrated

Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

February 22, 2018 KNOXVILLE, TN- Newly Facebook-official couple, Tyler Johnson, 19, and Sarah Miller, 18, decided to put away their pride and finally say how they feel about each other after only several group ‘Wing Wednesday’ outings and one night spent shouting at each other over the music at Uptown. “I think the timing just felt right, what with it being Boxing Weekend and all,” … Continue reading Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

Top Ice Cube Tray Relegated To Bottom Of Stack

  Earlier tonight, the top ice cube tray in an area man’s freezer was relegated to the bottom of the stack of two ice cube trays. Sources say the tray had been at the top of the stack for four days, but was moved to the bottom when it began exhibiting difficulty in performing its task. “The ice cubes starting sticking to the tray. I … Continue reading Top Ice Cube Tray Relegated To Bottom Of Stack

Report: Pizza Box Won’t Fit In Garbage Bag

Just after midnight on Thursday night, senior Fort resident J.R. Scott announced that he and his colleagues were unable to fit an empty pizza box into the garbage bag. A fifteen-page document released earlier tonight states that Scott and his roommates had attempted to fit a delivery box from Brenz Pizza Co., once containing a 16” Loaded Pep & Cheese pizza, into a nearby trash bag, yet were unable to complete … Continue reading Report: Pizza Box Won’t Fit In Garbage Bag

Haslam Strips Pride Center Resources To Fund Weird Animal-Costume Sex Party In Middle of Woods

In a breaking news report, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced Friday morning that he has stripped resources from the University of Tennessee Pride Center in order to fund a sex party in the middle of the woods, complete with novelty sex toys and all kinds of animal costumes. On Friday afternoon sources confirmed that Governor Haslam had enacted a state law which will defund the Office … Continue reading Haslam Strips Pride Center Resources To Fund Weird Animal-Costume Sex Party In Middle of Woods

Area Man Not As Close With Drug Dealer As He Used To Be

  Area man Derek Rinsling forlornly announced yesterday that he and his drug dealer are no longer as close as they used to be. On Friday, Rinsling, 21, expressed concerns about his relationship with his classmate and “longtime” drug dealer, citing suspicions that they have been “drifting apart” over the last few months. “We used to be tight,” Rinsling told reporters, pausing to fight back … Continue reading Area Man Not As Close With Drug Dealer As He Used To Be

Son Of A Bitch Who Stole My Girlfriend Endorses Bernie Sanders

Following the Vermont Senator’s narrow victory over Hillary Clinton in the Indiana primary, the son of a bitch who stole my girlfriend has officially endorsed Bernie Sanders as his choice for President of the United States. University of Tennessee sophomore Devin O’Bannon, 20, announced Wednesday night that he has decided to throw his full support behind the Presidential hopeful—a commitment second in importance only to … Continue reading Son Of A Bitch Who Stole My Girlfriend Endorses Bernie Sanders