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Chick-Fil-A Renounces Faith in God, Will Begin Operating on Sundays

February 25, 2017 In a bizarre turn of events this weekend, fast food giant Chick-Fil-A announced that it no longer thinks it’s going to heaven when it dies. In other words, the ubiquitous Southern eatery has decided to give up the faith.   “We’ve had a good run, us and God.” remarked CEO Dan Cathy, “but honestly, after all the fucked-up shit we do to … Continue reading Chick-Fil-A Renounces Faith in God, Will Begin Operating on Sundays

Report: Guy Carrying Around Gallon of Water is Just Insanely Hydrated

Fletcher Crane March 30, 2018 This past Thursday afternoon, in the 15-minute gap between the 11:10 and 12:40 classes, a witness called the Tangerine’s anonymous tip hotline with a piece of information that changed everything.   “5’11”, maybe about 170 pounds, with muscle”, the witness shakily disclosed. “This man is carrying around what seems to be a milk gallon filled with water instead of milk.” … Continue reading Report: Guy Carrying Around Gallon of Water is Just Insanely Hydrated

Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

February 22, 2018 KNOXVILLE, TN- Newly Facebook-official couple, Tyler Johnson, 19, and Sarah Miller, 18, decided to put away their pride and finally say how they feel about each other after only several group ‘Wing Wednesday’ outings and one night spent shouting at each other over the music at Uptown. “I think the timing just felt right, what with it being Boxing Weekend and all,” … Continue reading Couple Finally Says ‘I love you’ in Boxing Weekend Port-a-Potty

Top Ice Cube Tray Relegated To Bottom Of Stack

  Earlier tonight, the top ice cube tray in an area man’s freezer was relegated to the bottom of the stack of two ice cube trays. Sources say the tray had been at the top of the stack for four days, but was moved to the bottom when it began exhibiting difficulty in performing its task. “The ice cubes starting sticking to the tray. I … Continue reading Top Ice Cube Tray Relegated To Bottom Of Stack

Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Scratching his head as the glinting light of comprehension left his eyes, a middle-aged news correspondent appeared to be thrown way off-course by the word ‘Wikileaks’ earlier today. In the middle of a sit-down with MSNBC anchor Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent Doc Vandry, 64, was stumped for several minutes after Todd asked him about the potential implications of the Wikileaks scandal for Hillary Clinton’s … Continue reading Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Providing him with step-by-step instructions on how to turn on his computer and open his internet browser, a dozen aides from the Bernie Sanders campaign are still attempting to help their boss access leaked emails belonging to members of the Democratic National Committee, sources confirm. Though the emails—collected and released by nonprofit journalistic organization Wikileaks—made their way onto the internet earlier this week, reports say … Continue reading Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Carefully delivering the news to a throng of disappointed, fanatic delegates, RNC officials announced Wednesday that the Rapture would not be taking place on Wednesday night, as previously planned, but would be moved to Thursday instead. The Rapture was originally intended to close the Day Three festivities at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, with “God Himself descending through the stadium roof and hand-picking … Continue reading Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC