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Chick-Fil-A Renounces Faith in God, Will Begin Operating on Sundays

February 25, 2017 In a bizarre turn of events this weekend, fast food giant Chick-Fil-A announced that it no longer thinks it’s going to heaven when it dies. In other words, the ubiquitous Southern eatery has decided to give up the faith.   “We’ve had a good run, us and God.” remarked CEO Dan Cathy, “but honestly, after all the fucked-up shit we do to … Continue reading Chick-Fil-A Renounces Faith in God, Will Begin Operating on Sundays

Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Scratching his head as the glinting light of comprehension left his eyes, a middle-aged news correspondent appeared to be thrown way off-course by the word ‘Wikileaks’ earlier today. In the middle of a sit-down with MSNBC anchor Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent Doc Vandry, 64, was stumped for several minutes after Todd asked him about the potential implications of the Wikileaks scandal for Hillary Clinton’s … Continue reading Senior Correspondent Thrown Way Off-Course by Word ‘Wikileaks’

Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Providing him with step-by-step instructions on how to turn on his computer and open his internet browser, a dozen aides from the Bernie Sanders campaign are still attempting to help their boss access leaked emails belonging to members of the Democratic National Committee, sources confirm. Though the emails—collected and released by nonprofit journalistic organization Wikileaks—made their way onto the internet earlier this week, reports say … Continue reading Dozen Sanders Aides Still Helping Bernie Access Leaked DNC Emails

Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Carefully delivering the news to a throng of disappointed, fanatic delegates, RNC officials announced Wednesday that the Rapture would not be taking place on Wednesday night, as previously planned, but would be moved to Thursday instead. The Rapture was originally intended to close the Day Three festivities at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, with “God Himself descending through the stadium roof and hand-picking … Continue reading Rapture Pushed Back to Day Four of RNC

Melania Trump Fights Plagiarism Backlash with ‘Let’s Move!’ Initiative

In an attempt to counteract public outcry after plagiarizing part of her speech on Day One of the Republican National Convention, former model and candidate for First Lady of the United States Melania Trump announced earlier today that she would be launching “Let’s Move!,” an initiative which aims to “eliminate childhood obesity within a generation.” On Monday night, the Slovene-American mother and wife of disheveled … Continue reading Melania Trump Fights Plagiarism Backlash with ‘Let’s Move!’ Initiative

Sports Fans Look For Something New To Yell When Throwing Away Paper Balls In Wake Of Kobe Bryant’s Retirement

In sports, there are always players who have their moment in the spotlight, and with them always comes some sort of catchphrase that testosterone-fueled middle-schoolers beat into the ground. We all remember when our obnoxious childhood friends caught footballs and yelled out “Mossed!” in honor of Randy Moss; or kicked something really hard and yelled out “GOOOOAAAAALLLL!” in honor of… uh… soccer players, or something. And … Continue reading Sports Fans Look For Something New To Yell When Throwing Away Paper Balls In Wake Of Kobe Bryant’s Retirement

Lebron James to Make NFL Debut for the Cleveland Browns

With the NBA playoffs about to be in full swing and the Lebron James-led Cleveland Cavaliers, considered a shoe-in to win the championship, sweeping Golden State in four, Lebron is already looking ahead to what is next for the king. Lebron has stated that Cleveland Browns head coach and Wolverine rip-off, Hue Jackson, has been trying to convince him to play NFL football on his … Continue reading Lebron James to Make NFL Debut for the Cleveland Browns