Victory! Harambe The Gorilla Revealed To Be An ISIS Informant The Whole Time

In what experts are calling “a huge relief,” new reports have surfaced confirming Harambe—the gorilla shot and killed by zookeepers at Cincinnati Zoo last Saturday after a toddler slipped into his enclosure and fell into his grasp—was an ISIS informant the whole time. Activists nationwide cried foul over the weekend after the 17 year-old gorilla was shot to death, calling it a “disgusting breach of protocol” … Continue reading Victory! Harambe The Gorilla Revealed To Be An ISIS Informant The Whole Time

Yes, I’m The One Who Nominated Donald Trump For The Nobel Peace Prize

by Anonymous Well, the 2016 Nobel Peace Prize nominees are in, and oh boy, let me tell you: they’re a mess. Pope Francis got nominated. Jeez, what a joke! Some doctor made the list. Big deal. People from foreign countries… Who cares? Oh, and Edward Snowden. Are you kidding? He’s a coward. He’s afraid. Me? I’d never be afraid. Not a bit. You know who … Continue reading Yes, I’m The One Who Nominated Donald Trump For The Nobel Peace Prize

US Department of Defense Dispatches Tropical Storm to Middle East

In a last-ditch effort to curtail al-Qaeda’s activity in Yemen and the surrounding area, officials from the United States Department of Defense announced earlier this week that they have successfully dispatched a tropical storm to the Middle East as the latest in a long line of preventative measures in the War on Terror. At 5:00pm on Monday, a spokesperson from the Defense Department reported that … Continue reading US Department of Defense Dispatches Tropical Storm to Middle East

Barack Obama Still Deciding Which Nobel Peace Prize Winner To Bomb Next

Pinching the bridge of his nose and hanging his head, the Most Powerful Man in the Free World proclaimed that he “just [didn’t] know what to do.” Fresh off the successful bombing of a Doctors Without Borders Hospital (the 1999 winner of the Nobel Peace Prize), President Barack Obama indicated that he was still unsure about which Nobel Peace Prize Winner to bomb next. “There … Continue reading Barack Obama Still Deciding Which Nobel Peace Prize Winner To Bomb Next

Disappointed Putin Has Birthday Clown Sent To Gulag

Describing the action as “the only saving grace of the worst birthday ever,” a disappointed Vladimir Putin reportedly had a birthday clown sent to a forced labor camp somewhere in Russia yesterday, sources say. Russian President Vladimir Putin turned 63 yesterday and wanted nothing more than to be entertained by his own personal birthday clown—named Tselka—to numb the pain of getting old. However, fifteen minutes … Continue reading Disappointed Putin Has Birthday Clown Sent To Gulag

Anthropologists Find Evidence Of Human Communication before iPhones, Facebook

A group of researchers from the UT Department of Anthropology unveiled surprising new findings today. The information they collected consists of scanned documents, audio files, video clips, and a surprising insight into the past: people were able to communicate with one another before the popularization of texting and social media. The leader of the team, graduate student Marie Alton, said, “The material was both startling … Continue reading Anthropologists Find Evidence Of Human Communication before iPhones, Facebook

Desperate Al-Qaeda Hijacks Flight of Stairs

Fighting for relevancy after the emergence of several other militant Islamic groups in recent years, a desperate al-Qaeda has accosted the United States once again with its most recent terrorist plot: hijacking a flight of stairs. In a last-ditch effort to maintain relevancy, al-Qaeda has commandeered an American staircase, marking its first major attack on United States soil since the events of September 11, 2001. … Continue reading Desperate Al-Qaeda Hijacks Flight of Stairs