April 1, 2018
“I wanted something of a challenge this year,” says local medical anomaly, Miranda Duren. After surviving a 40 day stretch without water and baffling health experts everywhere, Duren recounts her tale as she lounges by the pool, a tall glass of ice water in hand. “Sure, I could have given up chocolate or coffee, or maybe just resolved to go to church once in a while, but that just didn’t seem hardcore enough.” Our reports say that she did not, in fact, follow the rule that permits compromising lenten promises on Sundays, saying that was some “New-age Christianity bullshit. Let’s get back to the Old Testament with all the smiting and plagues. It built character.” She should have died roughly over a month ago.
When asked what spiritual gifts or personal growth she cultivated from this experience, Duren simply replied by asking “Is that what this is for? I thought people just did this when spring semester got a little slow, suffering out of boredom and whatnot.” 5 out of 5 doctors are unsure how exactly she managed to accomplish this without dying, but possible explanations could be that she didn’t close her mouth all the way on a particularly rainy day or that she ate an insane amount of watermelon.