February 22, 2018
KNOXVILLE, TN- Newly Facebook-official couple, Tyler Johnson, 19, and Sarah Miller, 18, decided to put away their pride and finally say how they feel about each other after only several group ‘Wing Wednesday’ outings and one night spent shouting at each other over the music at Uptown. “I think the timing just felt right, what with it being Boxing Weekend and all,” says Johnson, a newly initiated member of a fraternity whose jersey he wore all weekend in solidarity. “It’s the biggest weekend of the year, so I really can’t think of a better time to take that next step in our relationship.”
“The low-lit ambiance mixed with the subtle stench of vomit and the several forgotten cell phones on the toilet paper dispenser really just came together, and before we knew it, Tyler was telling me how he really felt about me,” gushes Miller. “Yeah, I was fairly hammered,” admits Johnson, “but I think I might have said it sober. Maybe, I don’t know, probably not in a port-a-potty.” Experts are unsure what exactly brought this serious conversation on between Johnson and Miller, but possible explanations include: the cramped bus ride on the way over that broke every fire code regulation imaginable, the smell of the hotdogs, the shared euphoria and comradery while pretending to be able to see over the crowds of people and cheer on Johnson’s fraternity brothers in the boxing ring, the fact that Sarah picked out her outfits for this weekend months in advance, or a combination of all of these factors.
We at The Tangerine are unsure whether the couple will make it past this honeymoon stage into the following weeks, what with Spring Break quickly approaching. But no matter what the future holds, rest assured that this moment shared between them in port-a-potty #3 at the Knoxville Expo Center will not be forgotten by either of them anytime soon.