February 25, 2017
In a bizarre turn of events this weekend, fast food giant Chick-Fil-A announced that it no longer thinks it’s going to heaven when it dies. In other words, the ubiquitous Southern eatery has decided to give up the faith.
“We’ve had a good run, us and God.” remarked CEO Dan Cathy, “but honestly, after all the fucked-up shit we do to them chickens and to the people of the United States, it just don’t seem right to keep selling salvation as a side dish on our menu. I mean, hell, we’ve single-handedly made half of the United States fatter than they already were. We tell them that we can wash away the pain of living with a packet of sweet, sweet mustard sauce…but it just ain’t right. Therefore, from this day onward, we pledge to no longer sell hopes of glory and paradise. Instead, we’ll just be a regular chicken place.”
Additionally, Cathy added that he was sincerely “Sorry about all the gay stuff I said, y’all can start eatin’ here too now.” Shareholder reactions have been mixed, but most customers interviewed seemed to view the move as generally positive. Local woman Bethany T., of Albany, said “Well, I’m Buddhist, and my husband is Jewish, so it’s always been kind of uncomfortable ordering from Chick-Fil-A. Plus, but I just love their delicious ‘Spicy Chicken Sandwich’. I’ll admit that nothing eases the burden of my anxiety quite like a large waffle fry, but sometimes you just want a damn sandwich, not a free pass to the afterlife.”
While the move to operate seven days a week will undoubtedly be good for revenue, it’s still unclear whether God will be mad at Chick-Fil-A or not. The Board of Directors of Chick-fil-a seem “pretty sure” that God isn’t real, having recently watched an Al Gore video at a meeting. They formally state that “we’re mostly confident in the whole thing, not trusting God anymore and stuff, but…if we’re wrong, who the hell thinks there won’t be Original Chicken Sandwiches™ in Heaven?”