February 22, 2018
The wheel, the printing press, the cotton gin, and the lightbulb: all inventions that changed the course of human existence and shaped the reality that we live in today. But despite these comforts that have served as a foundation of progress, there still seemed to be a void. An opportunity lost, an idea damned to be an apparition leaving the masses unfulfilled. That is, until 2006, when the Yeti was born.
I am a simple man. I like my cold drinks cold and my hot drinks HOT. I’m easy. But no cup ever seemed to understand my needs. When I pour an aggressively hot pot of coffee into my cup at the beginning of the day, I expect consistency. I want that coffee painfully hot and difficult to sip THE ENTIRE DAY. I want to mourn my taste buds. And that is where the Yeti cup comes in. Thanks to Yeti’s patented technology, every morning allows me to go through what feels like a medieval torture session as I continuously burn the living shit out of my mouth. Sure, I can no longer taste, but is that not a worthy sacrifice to have a drink remain at a constant temperature? Because if we can agree on anything, it’s that coffee is super hard to come by, and it’s even harder to just get up and go get a refill.
Furthermore, a word could be said about the Yeti’s durability. No longer must the people choose between going bungee jumping and staying home to babysit their cooler. You can now bring that puppy along for the ride! Feel the thrills and CHILLS of that Yeti cooler. You can take in both the cool taste of sheer adrenaline and that ice-cold Arnold Palmer that you packed for the trip. You’ve earned it, you god amongst men. For the same price that it would cost to sublease my apartment, you can get a cooler that Indiana Jones could use to escape a nuclear blast. Talk about quality!
Innovation like this only comes around a couple of times every century. From its uncanny ability to maintain temperature to its durability and limitless potential as a mobile home- the Yeti is not just a purchase. It is an expression of you. You’re a Yeti person now. Enjoy your magma of a caffeinated drink. Throw your ice chest off a bridge. Become famous at Bonnaroo for sleeping in your cooler. This is your life now, and it’s gonna be a good time. No ifs, ands, or Yeti Butts about it.