BREAKING: Oven Not Left On, Nation’s Top Stoners Report

In a breaking report, the nation’s leading marijuana enthusiasts have confirmed that the oven was not left on. Sources say leaders from the Department of American Narcotics and Kush convened an emergency meeting tonight after one of its members suspected the oven had not been turned off following the removal of two supreme pizzas and a tray of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. “I was almost positive … Continue reading BREAKING: Oven Not Left On, Nation’s Top Stoners Report

David Bowie Wanted His Ashes Scattered In Bali, But I Accidentally Left Them In A Whole Foods

by Kevin Schwab Oh boy, this is embarrassing. After his tragic death earlier this month, eccentric pop icon and presumed extraterrestrial David Bowie was cremated in New Jersey. In accordance with his will, the practicing Buddhist’s ashes were to be scattered in Bali. However, that’s going to prove challenging now, because… well, there’s no easy way to say this: I accidentally left David Bowie’s ashes … Continue reading David Bowie Wanted His Ashes Scattered In Bali, But I Accidentally Left Them In A Whole Foods

World’s Least Interesting Man Orders Water, No Ice

Watching on in absolute horror, friends of 28 year-old Devin Shanhauser announced that the newly-crowned Least Interesting Man in the World ordered a water with no ice for dinner. Sources say that Shanhauser and his four closest friends had gone out for a bite to eat at Neman’s Peanut Gallery & Bistro earlier this evening before hitting the town. However, their plans fell apart shortly … Continue reading World’s Least Interesting Man Orders Water, No Ice

Nation’s Plumbers Contracted To Fix Leaky Clinton Campaign

Packing a wide assortment of tools and signing non-disclosure agreements before hopping in their vans and hitting the road, plumbers from all over the country have been contracted to fix Hillary Clinton’s leaky presidential campaign. Earlier this week, Clinton released a public call to action via her campaign website urging any plumber in need of food, money, and a few hard days’ work to come … Continue reading Nation’s Plumbers Contracted To Fix Leaky Clinton Campaign

Spotify USA Creative Team on Strike as Company Introduces “Shows”

NEW YORK – The Creative Team at Spotify has gone on strike following the introduction of “Shows” early Thursday. Shows are a new addition to Spotify’s ever expanding library of content. This new category is the company’s way of adding podcasts to the system without falling into the legal trap of calling them “Podcasts.” Spotify’s creative team is not too keen on the new category, … Continue reading Spotify USA Creative Team on Strike as Company Introduces “Shows”

Harry Potter Fan Devastated by Loss of Wallet

Local sophomore and long-time Harry Potter fan Derek Oppenheimer revealed yesterday that he is “deeply saddened” by the loss of his wallet. “I woke up yesterday morning and couldn’t find my wallet anywhere,” said Oppenheimer, who has read and reread all seven Harry Potter books enumerable times and regards the movies as the definitive entertainment of his childhood. “I could hardly believe it—I’m still having … Continue reading Harry Potter Fan Devastated by Loss of Wallet

World’s Dumbest Child? This Two-Year-Old Doesn’t Even Know What Horses Sound Like

The innocence of youth can often lend itself to moments of profound wisdom. After all, it has been well-documented that kids say the darnedest things. However, in some cases the exact opposite proves to be true: sometimes, the planets align themselves in such a manner as to inspire a child to say the most remarkably, unfathomably dumb thing he or she can muster. The parents … Continue reading World’s Dumbest Child? This Two-Year-Old Doesn’t Even Know What Horses Sound Like