Opinion: Remembrance of the victims in Paris is distracting people from the fact that I’m an insufferable asshole.

By Mitchell Ainsley Last Friday night I hopped online to see if the Donald J. Trump Facebook page had posted any share-worthy material. Imagine my surprise when I see hundreds of my friends showing heartfelt support for victims of the massive terrorist attack in Paris—prayers, artwork, impassioned speeches imploring world leaders to find peaceful solutions to their problems. That’s all I know, though, because I … Continue reading Opinion: Remembrance of the victims in Paris is distracting people from the fact that I’m an insufferable asshole.

Bill Nye Inspires Student to Care About Science for Two Hours

On the evening of October 29th, thousands of UT students and Knoxvillians gathered in Thompson-Boling Arena to witness science-educator and angry atheist Bill Nye discuss climate change and the role of science in our society. After a grueling hour-long lecture about his Oedipus complex, his desire to bring back the sundial, and his involvement with some robot that crawls around Mars, Nye delivered an inspiring … Continue reading Bill Nye Inspires Student to Care About Science for Two Hours

US Department of Defense Dispatches Tropical Storm to Middle East

In a last-ditch effort to curtail al-Qaeda’s activity in Yemen and the surrounding area, officials from the United States Department of Defense announced earlier this week that they have successfully dispatched a tropical storm to the Middle East as the latest in a long line of preventative measures in the War on Terror. At 5:00pm on Monday, a spokesperson from the Defense Department reported that … Continue reading US Department of Defense Dispatches Tropical Storm to Middle East

PocketPoints App to Offer Users Extra Points For Simply Throwing Phone in Garbage

PocketPoints is a mobile application, created in 2014, that seeks to rehabilitate college students. The application works by rewarding students with virtual “points” by having them lock their phones during class. The app has found viral success over the past year, spreading across hundreds of college campuses across the United States. Still discontent with its current success, PocketPoints Inc. has announced a new initiative offering … Continue reading PocketPoints App to Offer Users Extra Points For Simply Throwing Phone in Garbage

Fox Business Revamps Format for Nov. 10 Debate

After massive public discontent regarding CNBC’s moderation of the October 28th Republican debate, Fox Business has reevaluated their specifications for the upcoming November 10th debate. CNBC made some crucial errors in their handling of the debate, including, but not limited to, shutting down any response from candidates who were not directly questioned. This proved to be a large reason for the mess that occurred on … Continue reading Fox Business Revamps Format for Nov. 10 Debate

More Trick than Treat: Crime Rates Skyrocket over Halloween Weekend

Reports from last weekend have revealed that crime rates rose drastically over the Halloween weekend. Everyone loves Halloween. Kids dress up as whatever their parents tell them they can be and head out at night to go to strangers’ houses and ask for candy. Adults set bowls of treats on their porches and watch AMC until they fall asleep on their couches. Teenagers dress up … Continue reading More Trick than Treat: Crime Rates Skyrocket over Halloween Weekend

Hurricane Patricia Bullied by Peers for Low Kill Count

Hurricane Patrica has been called “the strongest hurricane in the western hemisphere” recently netted a giant-ass, goose egg in total kills. This horrible showing led to severe tormenting at the hands of the other hurricanes who spend their time chilling in the Atlantic and tossing vicious insults at the failure because she sucks and deserves it. When questioned, Hurricane Allen had this to say: “Back … Continue reading Hurricane Patricia Bullied by Peers for Low Kill Count