Haslam Replaces Tennessee Law Enforcement With Uncontacted Headhunter Tribe

NASHVILLE – Fresh off the heels of the latest move to privatize the management of a wide array of state facilities, including prisons and institutions of higher education, the office of Governor Bill Haslam has announced a new phase in his plan: disbanding the various branches of Tennessee’s state law enforcement and using the brutal tribal warriors of North Sentinel Island to secure law and order.

The Sentinelese people, who reside in an archipelago off the eastern coast of India, have hitherto maintained an existence of Paleolithic bliss, in fact, violently rejecting contact by members of the outside world. “Oh, it was certainly a struggle,” commented a representative for Governor Haslam. “Organizing a team to head over to that part of the globe, attempting to establish communication with the tribe without being riddled with spears… but hey, we’ll do just about anything if we think it’ll save a buck in the end!”

Should the proposal be accepted, the operations of the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, and all other aspects of Tennessee law enforcement will be assumed by the Sentinelese sepoys starting the summer of next year. “There are just so many pluses to this plan,” reiterated the governor’s representative. “These people have no concept of money or anything like that, so all we’ll have to give them is probably a string of beads, maybe promise them that we’ve sated the volcano god, I dunno. Point is, it is completely cost-effective, which I think Tennessee taxpayers will appreciate.”

Furthermore, the fact that the Sentinelese have traditionally been known to brutally attack those they encounter, rather than attempt to reason with them, means that “they have the exact sort of qualities we are looking for in law enforcement today.”

At press time, the Governor’s office had also floated the possibility of inviting the world’s greatest scientific minds to the state in order to build a time machine to concurrently replace the Tennessee State Guard with the savage Hessian mercenaries of yore. “As long as no one tells them about inflation, we could very well get away with paying these guys pennies,” the representative proudly proclaimed, apparently unaware that the Tennessee State Guard is a volunteer force.

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