I Am Standing In This Spot And I Am In Your Way, by Lloyd Flemen

Look at that spot. See the spot. Understand the spot. Do you know what that spot is? It is the spot I am standing in. And it is in your way. I like this spot. It is a nice spot. I want to stand here for a while. If the spot is in your way, that is too bad. I am standing here. I realize … Continue reading I Am Standing In This Spot And I Am In Your Way, by Lloyd Flemen

Haslam Replaces Tennessee Law Enforcement With Uncontacted Headhunter Tribe

NASHVILLE – Fresh off the heels of the latest move to privatize the management of a wide array of state facilities, including prisons and institutions of higher education, the office of Governor Bill Haslam has announced a new phase in his plan: disbanding the various branches of Tennessee’s state law enforcement and using the brutal tribal warriors of North Sentinel Island to secure law and … Continue reading Haslam Replaces Tennessee Law Enforcement With Uncontacted Headhunter Tribe

Animal Science Classes Not Hands-On Enough For UA Transfer Student

Stating his desire for classes that are more engaging, a transfer student from the University of Alabama announced today that he was disappointed with the Animal Science courses offered here at the University of Tennessee. “I’m real let down by y’all’s animal program,” said Garth Enus, a native of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, ten-time winner of Forbes’ Worst City in America. “I tell ya, I just ain’t … Continue reading Animal Science Classes Not Hands-On Enough For UA Transfer Student

The Best of UTPD Crime Log

12:13, 14 OCT 2015: Mass Fall Break-related speeding incidents reported. Send Bicycle Officers to apprehend suspects. 23:04, 14 OCT 2015: Underage drinking suspected at residence on Forest Ave. No warrant acquired; try to snag them for jaywalking as they leave. 08:49, 15 OCT 2015: Hungover walk of shame rampant. No crime committed, but officers may be able to squeeze a jaywalking ticket out of it. … Continue reading The Best of UTPD Crime Log

Fourth Grader Who Brought Two Desserts For Lunch Thinks He’s Hot Shit

Undoing the crisp, neat pleats in his brown paper bag and feigning surprise upon seeing the contents inside, some little bastard from Mrs. McKibben’s fourth-grade class sure thinks he’s hot shit, as made evident by the not one, but two pudding cups he packed for lunch today. West View Elementary School student Tyler Applebee plays piano, soccer, baseball, and has a blue belt in karate. … Continue reading Fourth Grader Who Brought Two Desserts For Lunch Thinks He’s Hot Shit

Opinion: Complaints of an Engineering Major

I hate physics. I know it’s related to my future career and all but, why can’t I just do whatever? Walk on walls and shit. That’s what I’m all about yo.   Circuits is actually pain and suffering in a two-part class. If you have to take circuits, refer to the picture on the left.   What happened to sleep? I remember the days where … Continue reading Opinion: Complaints of an Engineering Major

Barack Obama Still Deciding Which Nobel Peace Prize Winner To Bomb Next

Pinching the bridge of his nose and hanging his head, the Most Powerful Man in the Free World proclaimed that he “just [didn’t] know what to do.” Fresh off the successful bombing of a Doctors Without Borders Hospital (the 1999 winner of the Nobel Peace Prize), President Barack Obama indicated that he was still unsure about which Nobel Peace Prize Winner to bomb next. “There … Continue reading Barack Obama Still Deciding Which Nobel Peace Prize Winner To Bomb Next