Desperate Al-Qaeda Hijacks Flight of Stairs

Fighting for relevancy after the emergence of several other militant Islamic groups in recent years, a desperate al-Qaeda has accosted the United States once again with its most recent terrorist plot: hijacking a flight of stairs. In a last-ditch effort to maintain relevancy, al-Qaeda has commandeered an American staircase, marking its first major attack on United States soil since the events of September 11, 2001. … Continue reading Desperate Al-Qaeda Hijacks Flight of Stairs

Report: Everyone Stuck in Traffic

KNOXVILLE, TN – A newly-surfaced report has revealed that everyone—yes, everyone—is stuck in traffic. Earlier today, an expert from the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that every single person in the city of Knoxville is simultaneously stuck in traffic—at least, he would have, were he not stuck in traffic himself. The number of Knoxville citizens currently trapped in their cars travelling at an infuriatingly slow … Continue reading Report: Everyone Stuck in Traffic

Area Woman Complains About Day Again

Describing the event as, “Oh boy,” reporters announced earlier today that a local woman is complaining about her day. Again. Sources say when Darby Finley, 20, stomped into Hodges this morning sporting a serious case of resting bitch face, bystanders instantly knew what they were in for. “Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe the day I’m having,” Finley said as she slung her backpack onto … Continue reading Area Woman Complains About Day Again

Midnight Train Looks Forward to Being Metaphor in Student Writing

Chugging along the rusty tracks that abut Neyland Avenue under the watchful eye of the stars, the midnight train told reporters that he eagerly anticipates being made into an allegory in UTK students’ fiction writing workshops. “I could symbolize anything!” said the locomotive, rushing onward through the sultry Tennessee night, old pistons pushing him relentlessly ever closer to an realization always just out of reach. … Continue reading Midnight Train Looks Forward to Being Metaphor in Student Writing

Man Sees Your Car in Adjacent Lane, Is Going to Merge Anyway

Flipping his blinker on and assuring himself that you’d “make room for [him],” an area man announced earlier today that he’s perfectly aware of your car in his side-view mirror, but is going to merge into your lane anyway. At 9:35 a.m., Fred O’Connor made his first attempt at pushing you out of your lane while ignoring your horn-honking and angry fist-shaking, reports state. Despite … Continue reading Man Sees Your Car in Adjacent Lane, Is Going to Merge Anyway

Donald Trump is the Second Coming of Jesus and He Definitely Didn’t Pay Us to Say That

Oh boy, folks. It’s time. Tension is in the air, ballots are being forged, and voices are being raised. Rich people are constantly reminding us that they’re rich and working-class people are being used as mascots to push one agenda or another. All this can only mean one thing: that’s right, it’s election season. Miracles are known to happen both on the debate stage and … Continue reading Donald Trump is the Second Coming of Jesus and He Definitely Didn’t Pay Us to Say That

Trump to Host The Apprentice Special Episode to Choose VP

Upon arriving for whatever press conference he heard about in passing, Trump was asked to discuss his intentions for choosing a Vice President. With the most passionate dead-eyes he could muster, Trump quietly informed our correspondents that he was planning to host a special episode of his “massively popular” TV series, The Apprentice, to select his running mate. “One of the key problems of today … Continue reading Trump to Host The Apprentice Special Episode to Choose VP