UT Responds to Backlash over Pronoun Situation: “He” and “She” Banned Permanently

After UT’s landmark decision last week to encourage students and faculty alike to use gender-neutral pronouns when referring to those who would prefer it, fear has reached critical capacity on Rocky Top. The masses fled to Facebook trying to figure out what UT was playing at, sharing posts and articles completely misinterpreting the message of comfort and equality UT was trying to convey. Administration and … Continue reading UT Responds to Backlash over Pronoun Situation: “He” and “She” Banned Permanently

Mom Desperately Searches Basket for One Last Breadstick

According to reports, a mother is currently desperately scouring her basket for one last breadstick. “Honey, do you see a breadstick over there? It has to be here somewhere,” Karen Bergeron told her family as she felt around in the wicker basket for traces of one final breadstick. “We only ate six… is that all that comes in a basket now?” Members of the wait … Continue reading Mom Desperately Searches Basket for One Last Breadstick

Brave Woman Wears Hair in Man-Bun

A brave young woman at the University of Tennessee is shattering gender conventions with her latest hairstyle: a man-bun. Julie Krenowski, 19, shocked the student body Thursday when she showed up to her 8:00 a.m. Geology 101 lecture with her hair in what appeared to be a bun—a hairstyle most commonly worn by long-haired men. Sources say Miss Krenowski arrived to class fifteen minutes early … Continue reading Brave Woman Wears Hair in Man-Bun

Butch Jones Recruits Entire Freshman Class

Just in time for the 2015-2016 Vols football season, Butch Jones has officially announced an unexpected new recruit to the team: the University of Tennessee’s entire freshman class. In an unprecedented move, Jones has recruited all 6,591 of UT’s freshman to the football team. The idea came to Jones upon observing several upcoming freshman during orientation over the summer. Impressed by their general mobility, stamina, … Continue reading Butch Jones Recruits Entire Freshman Class

Upstairs Neighbor Apparently from Country where Being Asshole is Customary

A new resident to the Commons apartment complex was in for a rude awakening earlier this week after discovering his upstairs neighbor apparently hails from a country where being an asshole is totally socially acceptable. The resident, 21 year-old Hoagie Pritchett, came to this conclusion on the night he moved in, after experiencing what he described as “a four-hour marathon of every deafening sound you … Continue reading Upstairs Neighbor Apparently from Country where Being Asshole is Customary

Cumberland Road-Worker Glad to Have Job Security for Next Twelve Years or So

A construction worker assigned to Cumberland Avenue announced earlier today that he is “extremely happy” to have job security for the next twelve years or so. Sources say the construction worker, 37 year-old Gerald Stilsby, was assigned to the Cumberland Avenue project—which representatives for the city of Knoxville promise will make everyone’s lives easier “a decade or so from now”—and looks forward to closing roads … Continue reading Cumberland Road-Worker Glad to Have Job Security for Next Twelve Years or So

HBO Takes Gratuitous Creative Liberties in New Sesame Street Deal

The lovable characters of Sesame Street found a home away from home last week after signing on with Home Box Office, the premier paywall-cable network famous for showing movies you’ve already seen and probably aren’t interested in watching a second time. The educational children’s program has run on PBS since 1970 and featured Muppets such as Big Bird, Elmo, and Oscar the Grouch, who teach … Continue reading HBO Takes Gratuitous Creative Liberties in New Sesame Street Deal