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Chick-Fil-A Renounces Faith in God, Will Begin Operating on Sundays

February 25, 2017 In a bizarre turn of events this weekend, fast food giant Chick-Fil-A announced that it no longer thinks it’s going to heaven when it dies. In other words, the ubiquitous Southern eatery has decided to give up the faith.   “We’ve had a good run, us and God.” remarked CEO Dan Cathy, “but honestly, after all the fucked-up shit we do to … Continue reading Chick-Fil-A Renounces Faith in God, Will Begin Operating on Sundays

Tall Tales of Haslam: The Appointment

Gravel   Haslam College of Business: A shrine to capitalism and a glowing example of the power rested in the invisible hand. But within these economically sacred walls lies a secret. Whispered tales of horror, shrouded in shadow. Phenomenons known only to those who have had the misfortune to meet what lies beneath us all. Evil.   Sophomore finance major Ryan Myer recently joined business … Continue reading Tall Tales of Haslam: The Appointment

One-Hit Wonder Asher Roth Creates Sequel to Beloved Song

Everyone remembers the first time they heard Asher Roth’s beloved anthem “I Love College”. In one single track, Asher Roth simultaneously summarized and defined the essence of our college years: beer, drugs, and a strong enforcement of rape culture. Originally released in 2009, Roth’s testimony to his collegiate years is catchy and casual; when you and your fraternity brothers chant, “When it comes to condoms, … Continue reading One-Hit Wonder Asher Roth Creates Sequel to Beloved Song

Girl Gives Up Water for Lent

  April 1, 2018   “I wanted something of a challenge this year,” says local medical anomaly, Miranda Duren. After surviving a 40 day stretch without water and baffling health experts everywhere, Duren recounts her tale as she lounges by the pool, a tall glass of ice water in hand. “Sure, I could have given up chocolate or coffee, or maybe just resolved to go … Continue reading Girl Gives Up Water for Lent

Fraternity Brother Tempted to Attend Sex Week Seminar, Unsure if That Makes Him Gay or Not

Local fraternity brother Benton Baldwin, KA ’19, is deeply conflicted about attending a Sex Week seminar entitled: ‘Butt Stuff 2.0: The Pegging’. “Ok, well obviously, I’m not into dudes. I’d like to make that, like, really clear. But look, chicks dig adventurous dudes, and I think it’s safe to say this is pretty adventurous,” Baldwin explained in his official statement. “Plus, I get extra credit … Continue reading Fraternity Brother Tempted to Attend Sex Week Seminar, Unsure if That Makes Him Gay or Not

Report: Guy Carrying Around Gallon of Water is Just Insanely Hydrated

Fletcher Crane March 30, 2018 This past Thursday afternoon, in the 15-minute gap between the 11:10 and 12:40 classes, a witness called the Tangerine’s anonymous tip hotline with a piece of information that changed everything.   “5’11”, maybe about 170 pounds, with muscle”, the witness shakily disclosed. “This man is carrying around what seems to be a milk gallon filled with water instead of milk.” … Continue reading Report: Guy Carrying Around Gallon of Water is Just Insanely Hydrated

A Purchase You Won’t RegrYeti

Opinion Piece February 22, 2018 The wheel, the printing press, the cotton gin, and the lightbulb: all inventions that changed the course of human existence and shaped the reality that we live in today. But despite these comforts that have served as a foundation of progress, there still seemed to be a void. An opportunity lost, an idea damned to be an apparition leaving the … Continue reading A Purchase You Won’t RegrYeti